There is no maximum age or limited credit. No way to resist either. When love carries us away again, whether it upsets everything in our life or that it passes like a flash of straw, it is so good.
“I can still see myself trembling, my throat clenched, descending this staircase to join him, as if my life depended on it … I felt like I was 14 years old,” remembers Cecile, still amazed at ” To fall again in love at 45 years. “I was nauseous, dizzy,” she continues, “and I clung to the ramp for fear of slipping. Symbolic: I was afraid to fall, but I hurried to the precipice! I thought it would not happen again, having been too damaged in my relationship with men. I thought these feelings were reserved for younger and more naive people than me. With Franck, everything came back, as if by magic: I was ready to plunge, to abandon myself without a net, for despite my past failures, with him I felt growing wings! “
Falling in love, being overcome, subjugated, transported … There are those who look for it, those who seem to have inherited a subscription for life and those who brandish their lightning rods for fear of being consumed. But for all and every time it is the (same) miracle. The unpredictable, the uncontrollable.
“I, who had always been the fear of my friends, the counselor in love, incapable of experiencing such emotions, I found myself, in my turn, a perfect heroine of a novel Harlequin,” says Marie, Eternal “rational”, in love for the first time at 30 years. “Alex has knocked out all my beautiful certainties and my protective shield,” she says. He awakened in me all the symptoms that I had so despised: the heart that beats, the laughter for everything and anything, to cry, too … And this terrible need to know, permanently, this What he does, where he is, and especially if he loves me as much as I do. It was like a dizzy fall that I could not avoid. In the beginning, I was angry with myself for becoming vulnerable and to know in my turn the addiction, the real one, that cuts the appetite, makes mad with jealousy. I lived every day with the anguish of losing him, the fear that he would grow weary and disappear. But what a drug! How lucky to finally feel connected to someone (who is in the same mood)! “
No one is safe from thunder in a serene sky, even those who protect themselves, for fear of suffering, or just to lose control.
“I thought I was armored,” recalls Chantal, 49. I had too much drool, I thought myself out of danger. “Under control”. And Luke entered my life as if by breaking. In fact, it did not resemble the other men of my life, the emotion was not the same, I plunged little by little. (Laughter.) By e-mail, which I had never flirted via the Internet! When I finally recognized the symptoms (lack, euphoria, desire to live …), I tried to take the reins in hand, but it was too late. And basically, I do not regret anything: I spent six months (yes, it’s over!) Shot to desire and pleasure.
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The strength of desire
Tourbillon, euphoria, vertigo, drugs, drunkenness. all the vocabulary of cataclysm and dependence comes back when one tries to put words in this state: the famous “innamoramento” (“nascent love”) long described by the sociologist Francesco Albe-on in his cult book “”The shock love
- The spark in gray, this miraculous moment when everything is possible. “This is a radical change in the sensitivity of the mind and the heart, which fuses two different and distant beings, he wrote in” I love you, all the passion of love.
- It is a hunger, a violent desire, but, at the same time, the impetus, the heroism and the forgetfulness of oneself.
The question of hormones? Many scientists and thinkers have attempted to decipher the mystery. Lucy Vincent, a specialist in the neurobiology of love, says that this feeling is a natural trap to push us to reproduce, a short-lived chemical process. A subtle cocktail of neurotransmitters (testosterone, oxytocin, luliberin, dopamine, endorphins …) that makes us glide, desire, enjoy, dare.
“During the clash in love, it produces euphoric substances that activate the natural circuit of pleasure and make us want to love, even more, says Michel Reynaud, a psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry, addiction specialist
- Once these hormones are released, we try to reactivate them at all costs, such as the drug addict and his dose of ephemeral pleasures … We are programmed to be blinded by love because we are conditioned by the need for life instincts and Reproduction of the human species. But genetics and biology do not explain everything … “
Why do we love? asks the philosopher Gazale Olivia
- For a thousand and one reasons that are not that chemical! There is something divine in the state of love: one falls, one falls, then one has the feeling of flying away. It is an extraordinary impetus that transports from earth to heaven. A moment when everything becomes meaningful, where one feels recognized. Sartre said that when one is loved one feels justified to exist. The amorous shock is a metaphysical shock which causes the fall of the internal fortifications that had been erected to protect themselves. Destabilized, the guard is lowered, and all the walls collapse. One enters then in a moment of rebirth where one discovers “other”, and it is undoubtedly that which is the most exalting. “
A perfume of spring
From the first time, in fact, it is a renaissance, a new way of being in the world, separated from family, friends, the past … A revolution. And every time it starts again, life comes back. That of the beginnings, the tree that buds, the flower that hatches. One spring.
“One falls back to adolescence, sums up by laughing Claire, who succumbed again, at 55 years. As if nothing had existed before. As if it was the first time. I did not see anything coming. Especially since Marc was not my kind of men. I just recognized the signs: the thought of the other who turns to obsession, electric heat when he brushes you, blushes, silly laughter, doubts, need to talk to everyone, To see him, to hear him. I was going well in my life, but let’s say it was rolling. The calm before the storm (Laughter.) There, suddenly, it was the great 8. All (me) capsized, the blood pounding in my veins, my brain was thriving. I had left the standby position. “
But the great charivari does not always arrive at the right time. It is sometimes a tidal wave that, in spite of all our resistance, carries everything, even the guardians who (we thought) held us upright.
While she was just married and seemingly fulfilled in her well-balanced life, Sarah decided to break up her relationship with Julien and give up their baby project just a few weeks after finding Max, a former schoolmate. “As a matter of course, I understood that I did not want and could not do without Max. He woke me up. I do not believe in fairy tales, but I felt that thanks to him everything was going to rock. I had lost 4 kg in two weeks, I had never felt so light … I floated while I knew that my life and all its foundations were going to explode. Today, Julien and I are divorced. I know I suffered a lot, but I did not have a choice. Staying with him would have sacrificed me. With Max, we do not talk about children or the future. We are in the present. And I never felt so alive. I know I’m with him for real good reasons. “
A taste of emotional
Contrary to appearances, in fact, one does not fall in love at any time. “Love often acts as a revealer,” comments the psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen, “it happens rarely by chance. It is a trigger that upsets everything in its path. A vital impetus that can give the strength to do the housework, to jostle his life (purring couple, the existence that does not resemble us …) without having to regret it. Even if the state of love does not necessarily end in sustainability, it is an opportunity to learn about oneself – about what one no longer wants, anyway. A transitional state that allows us to find the courage to get closer to the person we are really … It is also why we like this state there. A state that sweeps everything. “
A force that carries, in fact, only what was already faltering. A filling that would not find its place if he did not find a vacuum, a vacancy, a place just for him.
“We become enamored when we are ready to transform ourselves, to abandon an already worn-out experience, when we have the vital impetus to undertake a new exploration, to change our lives,” explains Francesco Alberoni.
And especially not when one tries to fall in love, when one desires, when one thinks oneself “ready”. It is quite the opposite. “We cannot provoke the state of love, confirms Sophie Catalan. This is not controlled. Sometimes, the system of operation is completely locked … We are sometimes barricaded love without knowing it. To fall in love, one must drop the voluntary quest: it takes chaos, abandonment, letting go. “
The Happiness of the Renaissance
Hence these improbable loves which flow in the worst moments. Or those passions that are reborn from ashes that were once thought to be extinct. At 46, Julie lived a life of single mother fulfilled. “I had my quota of stories,” she says, “more or less strong, experienced the great shudder, and I thought I was definitely saved from this blindness. So, when I saw Francois, the great love of my 20 years, after a very long period of silence, I was not wary. I had made the sentimental mourning of this man who had made me drool, who had deceived me with my girlfriends, wasting a lot of time and illusions. I had left him, fled rather, as a disease from which I thought I was vaccinated. I have, however, very easily fallen in love with him, his voice, his skin and his unbearable manias. But I had, this time, experience and a certain maturity for me. Today, the salt of my days is to be able to devote myself to this history never somnolent and which continues to magic me. “
It is when we lower the guard, in general, that it falls on us. When you do not think about it or more. Sometimes in chaos: sick, grieving … When one is most vulnerable, in fact.
“This unexpected happiness appears precisely because the vigilance has fallen, explains Sophie Cadalen. To women who are not on the alert and leave room for the possible. In mourning, sickness, one is occupied by struggle, by sorrow. We are so caught up, focused that, thus, we are not prepared to meet. And by ceasing to be in the mastery one becomes available, without our knowledge. Like those women who fall in love during their pregnancy: they are physically mobilized, monopolized, defenseless.
Sylvie remembers his meeting with Marc, in full chemotherapy to overcome a breast cancer: “Without hair, breast and 10 kg less … This story has been a parenthesis, but a moment of life and of light at the bottom of the abyss. I had never been so seductive in my life, but no doubt. We met in the deepest, the truest. “
“Less dramatically, we often fall in love again when we are in a change of life,” continues Sophie Cadalen. On the occasion of a move, a change of professional activity, when the interest is engaged elsewhere than in the quest for love. One is paradoxically more available when one does not seek to be. “
It is capricious, the state in love, unmanageable. It makes us take off, cuts us off from others, from reality … And then we predispose ourselves when the time comes. Delicately. Like a firework that suddenly stops, leaving us a little dumbfounded. “Fortunately,” thought one, which the roller-coaster of the heart exhausted. “What a pity,” for those who love only the intense, addicted to adrenaline.
Anyway, we have no choice. Except that of trying to invent a sequence, if possible also exciting. “After the effervescence of the beginnings comes the moment of the great discoveries, underlines Sophie Cadalen. There is a passage to be negotiated between the shocking shoot and the daily to discover and invent together. “What can be just as exciting.